


The Promageddon

by Crackcrazeddragonpony



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, F/M, Hellhounds, I'm so sorry this is my first fic don't hurt me, M/M, Prom, Slightly insane cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 06:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3639879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crackcrazeddragonpony/pseuds/Crackcrazeddragonpony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean only wanted to take Sam to the prom.  With the childhood that hunting took away from him, not being able to go to prom during his senior year was the first thing he had to fix. It was all he wanted!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Promageddon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pugcifer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pugcifer/gifts).



"h-hey- woah woah Crowley- Crowley- put the machete down!" Dean held his arms up in a soothing gesture, trying to calm the stout bearded man, carefully easing his way in front of his brother who Crowley was snarling at.

"Imbecilic squirrel. You will learn not to cross me. Especially over- this." Crowley waved a dismissive hand at deans little brother before continuing: "This repulsive hippie haired moose?! LOOK at his tiara! It's not even GUCCI!"

Sam shifted uncomfortably, making puppy dog eyes at Dean who was slowly trying to edge towards the machete wielding arm.

"C'mon babes, you know I couldn't let Sammy go to prom alone. He's my baby brother for gods sake."

"Then he should have gone with his newest slut. Jessica I believe?"

"Um. Sammy made a mistake and she was uh- burned alive."

"Terrible mista- aha! He slept with her didn't he? Imbecile."

"HEY! Not in front of Sammy! Please Sweetie? Don't you still love me? I'm not leaving you, but Sammy needs normal childhood experiences."

"Of course, my darling pet, but first off, he's a 27 YEAR OLD MAN and a tragic agonizing death is NOT a good excuse for STEALING A GIRLS PROM DATE. How dare you?! He's even wearing the same dress as me!" Crowley gripped a handful of his sparkly pink skirt, shaking it accusingly at Dean as Sam fiddled awkwardly with one of the straps on his identical dress.

"COOINCIDENCE!"

"He's a cheap imitation of me and YOU KNOW IT! THIS ISNT ABOUT PROM, IS IT?!"

"FINE. I'm uncomfortable with how your having those demonic friends of yours stalk me and THEY KILLED ASH BECAUSE WE CHATTED FOR FIVE MINUTES!"

"I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!!!" With that, Crowley snapped his fingers and 2 of his demon besties appeared with a rack and-

"SAMMY!" His little brother was strapped to the rack, and Crowley suddenly had a bloodstained kiss the cook apron over his dress.

"He shouldn't have crossed me."

"BOBBY!! HES GONNA KILL SAM DO SOMETHING!!!" Bobby scowled at Dean from where he was sitting, a little paper hat with "chaffuer" written on it sat askew over his baseball cap, and he held a beer in his hand.

"Well boo hoo. You pissed off your girlfriend, you deal with it princess. IDJITS." Bobby took a long swig of beer, before turning his wheel chair around and ignoring them.

Just as Crowley was about to lunge at Sam, a vicious howl split the air. The gymnasium filled with high string snarls and gigantic ribbon clad chihuahuas.

Within a second, Crowley had vanished with his crowd of demonic besties and the rack, dumping sam unceremoniously onto the floor. From somewhere outside, he could be heard screaming about claw marks on his dress. Sam laughed his ass off as a gigantic chihuahua threw itself onto Dean and began mauling him. By the time he realized the thing was actually eating Dean, something had attached itself to his arm. Turning, he saw Ruby, who was thrusting her boobs at his face. Noticing several bags of cocaine (he- he meant totally vital demon blood. For saving people. That's why he needs it. Yes.) being strangled between her boobs, he allowed himself to be dragged away into a dark corner. Sam then immediately forgot about the fact his brother was bleeding to death in the middle of the dance floor.

From where Dean was lying, having been tied spread eagle to the refreshment table by pink ribbons and a surprisingly dexterous muzzle, he could see the little heart tag proclaiming the dog, "Alistair the Babycakes". It was, however, hard to appreciate this as the dog was clawing and biting at him, in a mission to eat all of deans organs.

Dean's thoughts - when he wasn't screaming in pain- were along the lines of "who the hell would do this?! Wh-?!"

"ITS NOT FAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRR!!!!!" The piercing soprano voice cut through the chaos, revealing a 4-5 year old, blonde girl in a pink bloodstained dress. The dress seemed like an exact replica of the one worn be Sam and Crowley, but it was too large and kept slipping.

Somewhere in the distance, Dean swore he could here crowley cursing "bloody imposters."

"IM OLD ENOUGH TO GO TO PARTIES. I WANNA GO TO PROM TOO. IM ALMOST 5,000,000,000,000,000 YEARS OLD! NONE OF YOU LOOOVE ME!!!!" Lilith threw herself to the ground, screaming and beating at the floor with her little fists. Dean had started blacking out by then, the chihuahua having eaten it's way to his liver, and all he could see was stars.

Suddenly, the gymnasium door flew open, spraying white sparks and the sound of trumpets throughout. The door flew off its hinges as a trenchcoated man came running through, sword raised high- The trumpets stopped abruptly, and the trenchcoated man wandered over to where the door had fallen, awkwardly trying to fix it before just leaning it against the doorframe and muttering a few apologies before swirling around again and raising his sword. Instantly, the trumpets started where they left off. He bounded over to Dean, ripping him out of his bright pink constraints and flying him out a window, landing in the football field.

"CAS! Thank god!" Dean cried, staggering to his feet. "I'm so glad you're here!!! Is Sammy ok?! Ho- Cas. Why are you wearing a dress?"

Cas blinked at him slowly, cocking his head like a confused kitten. He glanced down at his sparkly, slinky black dress. "I do not understand. Isn't it customary to wear a dress donned in at least 56 different sequence pieces to prom? Is it not the MOST IMPORTANT moment of my entire lifetime?! Look, I even have a little bee. " Cas began thumbing anxiously at the hem of his dress, where a little yellow bee had been crudely stitched in.

"Cas that's-" Dean didn't get to finish that sentence, because in that moment Michael came staggering onto the field, clad in nothing but angel-puppy patterned boxers.

"THATS MINE!!!! MY ONE TRUE VESSEL!!!!!!" Dean stared in confusion at Micahel, trying hard not to let his gaze fall on the various puppy's lounging on purple clouds.

"What the hell are you talking about man-"

"-ASSBUTT!"

"Yeah. That."

"What I mean is that is MY SUIT. ONE SUIT TO RULE THEM ALL!!! I NEED it. It's a LIMITED 1ST EDITION COLLECTORS BARLYN COLBALT SPECIALTY. My brother Lucy and I have decided to settle our differences and finally decide who Daddy's favorite is once and for all in a dance off-"

"Huh. Sounds fun-"

"-to the death. The winner will eat the corpse of his enemy and kill all those who have ever spoken to the loser."

"..... WAIT WHAT?!"

"Don't worry. Honor and Glory shall be given to the victor and all those who assists. I shalt definitely win, for as the heavens decreed-"

"Dude you arnt getting the suit."

"WHY????!!!! DO YOU DESIRE MATERIAL SUBSTANCE???!!! THIS ISN'T ABOUT SOMETHING TRIVIAL LIKE YOUR LIFE. ITS WHO DADDY'S FAVORITE IS!!!"

"No man-"

"-ASSBUTT!"

"-I'm not going to deal with your family's fucked up rituals."

"fine. Castiel, jump him and strip him. Then execute him."

Dean stared in horror at his angel. Fuck! Michael was his superior an-

"I cannot kill the riteous man." Michael's eyes narrowed and Dean's nearly popped out of his head.

"Why ever not?"

"I have learned from teen vogue -a very credible source of course as it is stated at the top of the "top tips"- that a young person must go to prom with the "most prominent person in your life, your BAE," if you desire to reach total happiness and peace with life. A google search also provided that you are not to physically harm your BAE, and as such I may not conflict any harm on Dean. Also, Teen Vogue stated you are not to remove your dates suit until after prom, which ends at 9:00. As it is only 7:00 I am unfortunately incapable if performing these requested tasks for you, my brother."

"I see." Michael said. "I suppose i shall hath to perform the deed myself." Before anyone could react, Michael had snapped his fingers, four other angels instantly appearing. Two flung Castiel off somewhere and flew after them, while the other two tackled Dean, pressing him into the grass. Michael crouched over Dean, straddling his hips. He then started fumbling at his belt.

"Hey!!!! AWAY FROM THE GOODS!" Dean shrieked, kicking and biting at Michael. Michael replied by slapping Dean, and starting at his tie though his progress was diminished by Dean's wild thrashing.

"Uh. Hey. Am I uh. Interrupting something?" Everyone froze, turning to a young blonde boy in a suit.

"Who the hell are you?!" Dean snapped.

"Um. I'm Adam. Your brother. I uh. I found you because I needed help and to meet my family and I didn't know you were into this kinda thing and I should go now." Adam started to walk away, but Michael launched himself at Adam, grabbing 2 fistfuls of his suit. "Hey what the fuck are you-"

"THIS IS A LIMITED 3RD EDITION COLLECTORS BARLYN COLBALT SPECIALTY!!!!!!" Instantly the angels forgot Dean, ripping off Adam's suit and pants.

Just as they finished dressing Michael, (leaving a violated looking Adam curled up on the ground, who was then instantly forgotten) Dean heard someone shout:

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!"

There, standing sillhoueted in the sunlight was lucifer, in a pink dress that looked like Sam's.

Then he saw Sam, his face covered in a powdery white substance swinging naked - except for boxers - from a rod, tied by his hands and feet being carried away by Ruby.

"SAMMY!!!"

"Hey Dean. Do you know that it's a bad idea to fuck demons?" Sam called helpfully from the rod.

"Brother." Michael snarled, glaring venomously at lucifer.

"Mikey. Admit now that I'm daddy's favorite and we can quit this whole battle."

"NEVER!"

"Well. Your little BF is hurting my feelings." Lucifer sniffles dramatically, as ruby whispered:

"AHMAGAWD. A BITCH. FIT."

"You shall pay!" Michael shrieked, before dropping to the ground and break dancing whole heartedly.

"That's it?!" Cackled lucifer, before doing a beautiful pirouette as ruby hooked up a speaker that began blasting swan lake across the field.

Halfway through, Sam tackled lucifer (and Michael) into a conveniently placed waste pit, with a shriek of: "MMMYYY DRRREEESSSS!!!!!!"

On their way down, they all knocked over a pale blonde kid whose name no one could quite remember. It was uh... Something with an A... Aaron? Alex? Uh... Adele? Adele sounded close.. Wait- what are we talking about?

Anyways, Dean leapt forward just in time to see his brother disappear into a disgusting brown puddle.

"SAM!!!!" He cried, reaching out for a second before recoiling from the stench.

"Dean. I'm sure the authorities have this well in hand. Perhaps you ought to return to my nearby abode with me, as you are most likely nearing exhaustion and are bleeding profusely." Dean turned, seeing Cas standing there, his dress ripped and bloody, his eyes bright, and a severed hand entering rigor mortis attached to his ankle.

He had never seen anything so beautiful.

"Ya Cas. That sounds.. Nice. Really nice."

Cas's eyes crinkled as he smiled.

"I will drive you. As you are missing a few organs and intoxicated, I doubt it is wise to allow you to drive. May I borrow your keys?" Dean leaned against cas, a sudden wave of exhaustion hitting him.

"Not a scratch.." He murmured sleepily, handing the angel his keys. He could feel the vibrations of Cas's chuckle from where his face is pressed to his shoulder.

By the time Cas helps him into the car, Dean was out for the count, due to the many roofies he had been slipped or shock from being mauled, no one will ever know. Cas smiled sweetly at his righteous man's sleeping face, before reaching into the front of his dress and pulling out the bloody prom queen crown. In a barely audible whisper, he murmured:

"I should never have doubted you Babbly Abby. It will not be an action I repeat. As you informed me, I have become the QUEEN. This domain and my 'boo' are now MINE." He smiled into the review mirror, where he could see Crowley running towards the car, beat red, while the abomination- his Dean's younger sibling crawling, covered in brown goo with Luci attached to his ankle to the car.

"CASTIEL!!!! WE HAD A DEAL!!!! I DIDNT FIGHT OFF THE MOOSE TO JUST LOSE MY DATE TO AN ILL BRED LITTLE ANG-"

Thump.

The impala made a satisfying CRUNCH as he backed it up.

"Cas.. Wa waz dat? I fought I 'ears a noize..."

"Nothing of particular concern Deanie. I am of the impression that it was just a road bump."

"Mm'kay." Dean drifted off to sleep again. 

It was a long and bloody road, but Castiel had faith in Babbly Abby and his own abilities to clean blood off car wheels efficiently. He had covered up more then one murder under heavenly reingn. He looked again at his article of choice:

BABBY ABBY'S HOW 2S!!!!! GET THE GUY U WANT 4 PROM!!!!

1) Get your PART-AY dress on! Dazzle everyone else with ur SPARKLE!

2) ELIMINATE ALL COMPETITION! Those cray bitches don't deserve YOUR boo!

3) have a bit of fun. ...once prom is over of course. Be classy! And maybe confiscate his clothes.. X-3

CONGRATS GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE THE PROM QUEEN!!!!

"I am.. The prom queen."

Cas whispered to himself, one eye on the clock.

9:00.

"Dean?"

"Mmm.. Ya Cas? Wassumatter?"

"It is currently 9;00."

"Uh. Ya. Ya it is."

"I'm going to divest you of clothing now."

"Mm. Ok then- WAIT. WHAT-?!" 

CENSORED.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Pugcifer, the awesome beta. Please comment.


End file.
